I knew I should’ve gone to law school.
Someone told me, “If you want to increase blog traffic, you’ve got to post about cats or food. That’s what people like.” Now I have nothing against felines or key limes, but I happen to be in the love business, No offense, Kit Kats and kitty cats.
Then I figured, how about hooking up a kitten with a nice sandwich? This way everyone’s happy.
I said to this cat, here, I have some nice broccoli I want you to meet. You interested?
He gives me a look that says, “That green stuff comes within one foot of my lips and I get a restraining order.”
Personally, I don’t understand. It’s a wholesome snack. I guess kitty likes it hot and spicy, even if it’s not the best thing for him. What could I do? I aim to please.
There. I hope everyone’s happy. Just don’t get burned.
Cat photo by Paolo Signorini at Flickr.com
I’m slipping out of bed, careful not to wake Psyche. This was one of our rougher patches. She just bought a set of Ginsu knives from the Home Shopping Network. Not her best idea but nobody listens to my opinion. Meanwhile, her plans for slicing and dicing included much more than cucumber. Don’t look surprised and could you please not stare? You think Lorena Bobbitt was the first woman to make shish kabob?
Finally, an artist who’s captured my true essence! I’ve been waiting centuries for this. He totally caught me off-guard. Had I known Roberto Parada intended to paint me in the nude, I’d have lost a few extra pounds. I forgive Roberto because he accepts me as I am.
Some of the masters who painted me in my youth didn’t begin to capture the real me. For starters, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a halo. So pre-Renaissance. This guy Roberto gets me, like he sees into my soul. I’m just glad he didn’t see what I chucked behind the tree stump when I caught him creeping up behind me.
Cupid: Every Thursday, we dish it up straight from the Arrow’s Tip. I respond to your emails with advice from the love master himself. And when he’s not around, you get me. It’s free so don’t complain.
The Arrow’s Tip is all about love or the lack thereof because, honestly, what’s the diff? It’s all suffering. Sometimes we offer the guy’s perspective and for my female clientele, I invited guest blogger Sophie the Card because I’m considerate like that. Allow me to introduce the Card herself.
Cupid: This week’s question is from a dude who arranged a first date without my influence and now that he screwed things up, he wants my advice. I should’ve sent him away, but I’m an old softy, in case no one’s noticed. So this guy and girl are out having a good time, slurping lattes and she’s laughing at his jokes. The giggles make him think, “Wow, she’s hot — hot for me!”
One joke leads to another and before you know it, he sticks his tongue down her throat. Not a good time to take the tongue out of the garage for a spin. She abruptly pulls back and gives him the stink eye. Her eye can beat up his tongue any day. He says, “Whoa! I thought you were into me. You laughed at my jokes.”
Sophie: Haha! That’s funny, but don’t get any ideas. To answer the man with the overactive tongue, just because a woman laughs at your jokes doesn’t mean she’s ready for your tongue to move into her mouth. It just means she thinks you’re funny.
Cupid: And what’s a laugh? Just a hiccup having an orgasm.
Sophie: You don’t want to stick your tongue down a new acquaintance’s throat unless she specifically asks, “Would you mind terribly sticking your tongue down my throat? Because it’s that time of the month and my esophagus needs a little intimacy.” If that happens, you have my blessing. Otherwise, hold your tongue.
Cupid: Well, there you have it, straight from the Card. I could just puke.
I love this documentary of me in the course of duty. Not thrilled with the title, though. Stupid Cupid? Hello, People! Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean you have to use it. And if you’re really stuck on rhyming, I can think of much better words, for example, Flupid. Or Moopit. Kind of like Muppet, but instead of “muh,” you say “moo” like a cow. Then there’s Poopid, such as what cows drop in copious amounts. Such as the way I feel when I fly into a load of freshly hatched, bird poopid. Oh, never mind… I love Stupid Cupid. It’s adorable.